Two Names

Two Names

My mother game me two names

One for each girl inside me

Aubri is emotional, dark, gloomy, lonely and

Her insights to the world are

Fierce, cynical, depressing, profound and personal

Her demons have thrown the world in shadows

But she continues to put one foot in front of the other

Aubri is challenged with depression

Anna is expressive, happy, compulsive, flirty and

Her insights to this life are

Powerful, naïve, hopeful, manic and crazy

Demons have thrown a kaleidoscope over her world

And yet she tries each day to see things clearly

Anna is challenged with overcompensating

These two women are not opposites

No matter how different they seem

They share the courage to try

Aubri is sad and often pitied and forgotten

Anna is ecstatic and often annoying and ignored

But both are smart beautiful women

With real struggles and hard earned wisdom

One is not greater or better

Or even complete without the other

I can’t be just Aubri or just Anna

I can’t choose confident fun over dark wisdom,

Light over shadow,

Crowded pain over private sorrow,

OCD over apathy,

Actress over poetess

I can’t choose because I am both

My mother gave me two names

And I need them both

I am Aubrianna

June 7, 2015

Happy Birthday Grandma

Last week I realized I hadn't written my grandmother a eulogy. She died a year and a half ago and you might think it's too late for a eulogy but I disagree. I wrote some remarks for her and I want to share them today. This day would have been her 74th birthday. To celebrate her life and her continued existence in heaven I want to share this.

Betsy wasn't a woman she was a force. I can't remember a time she didn't accomplish what she set out to do. Her will made her a superhero. She had opinions on everything! frankly they weren't always right but always powerful. She was a strong willed matriarch for so long. But the last six years of her life she made the courageous decision to follow. Ken lit up her life.

She was a hero for so many. A blunt mother hen, a fearless ally, a gentle weathered hand, a confident supporter and a loving friend. There are so many sights and smells that bring her beside me, double bubble bubble gum brings me comfort, bras make me laugh, the Smallville theme song triggers a million memories, fanny packs bring me to my knees, her earrings add confidence to my outfit, a jeep like hers is my dream and her spirit is my home. 

I have found so many moments where my hand is reaching for my phone to call her and then the weight crashes again. I will always miss sharing my life with her. I wanted her here for so many more milestones. But I know she will be smiling in the temple, judging the color of my dress, lecturing my husband, comforting me when my children grow up, holding me when my parents pass, standing beside me amid the darkest night and running towards me when I finally see her again. 

My grandmother was the best. I hate that she was called away but I know that she left me with enough courage and knowledge to continue on my own. She taught me that I am the master of my own story. And I plan on picking up a pen.

Grandma, I love you more than you love Tom Welling. 

Aubrianna 

  

What is enough

What is enough


sometimes going through the motions
is enough
sometimes trying and failing
is enough
sometimes eating a morsel of bread
is enough
sometimes getting fully dressed
is enough
sometimes a loving hug
is enough
sometimes the presence of another
is enough
sometimes and understanding glance
is enough
sometimes a treasured teddy bear
is enough
sometimes moving from the bed to the couch
is enough
sometimes moving from the bed to the couch
is enough
sometimes a dry eye
is enough
sometimes one positive thought
is enough
sometimes I
am enough

May 31, 2015