10 Things I Hate About You

I can't take credit for this poem, but it sums up my feelings right now. After all how do you hate your best friend? I changed it a little bit but mostly it is taken straight from the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. 

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me 

and the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you drive your car

I hate it when you stare

I hate your big, dumb cowboy boots

and the way you read my mind

I hate you so much it makes me sick

it even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh

even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around

and the fact that you don't call

but mostly I hate the way I don't hate you

not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

My recent experience of falling in love with my best friend

I just realized something about myself. I fall in love with best friends because best friends are forever, boyfriends aren't. And now I've lost another best friend. I am so much more upset about loosing a best friend than a boyfriend figure. I don't know how to handle continuing to loose best friends. It's damaging my belief in forever. I know I mix my platonic and romantic loves when I fall for best friends. But I want the platonic love. If only I can leave it at platonic love.

I've heard of formulas to falling in love if only there was a recipe to not falling. People keep telling me that one day I'll find another guy 'the guy'. But that doesn't help at all. Sure I'll get married one day, yeah whatever, that truly doesn't help me right now. I am stuck in a moment right now. And anything outside of that one moment is not registering to me. I had a friend once come to me after a heartbreak. I asked what he wanted me to do and how I could help. He said "just let me mourn. I need to mourn." The scriptures say "mourn with those that mourn." I don't want to mourn-that means more tear stains on my pillow.

Society tells me to move on-not allow real grief for a silly crush. There seems to be a problem with mourning a lost love. It's fine and acceptable to mourn the loss of a person through death. Well to me this is more the loss of a person to death than a silly love lorn damsel. He might still be my friend. He's still around but it's not the same! My best friend is gone. All that's left in the rubble are pieces of a friendship that only add up to 'just friends'. I know we can't go back but I want to. I want my best friend back. But in order to be back at best friends he believes we would be back at boyfriend territory. I'm not sure if I disagree with him. It does appear that the platonic and romantic loves are intertwined.

Falling for your best friend is hard. I don't recommend it. But if that person falls back then you found the world. If they don't is when things get complicated. I wouldn't say I regret falling for him, sometimes that's what I want to feel. I want to regret it for ruining a perfect friendship. But that's not how I feel. He really is the best. I'm just not his best which is okay. It hurts a lot but if you want to give me sympathy "you will find another guy" then don't. That's not what I need. I need to mourn the passing of a great best friendship.

I know I will repeat the cycle in the future. I'll fall for another best friend and I'll probably end up crying again but that's who I am. I fall in love with people all the time. I fall fast and hard. That's me. I wish I didn't but then again I don't know if I would change that about myself.

Until the next best friend.