Lessons of Heartbreak

Things I learned from the 2nd man to break my heart.

-Be friends first
-Believe in myself
-Have more than one friend
-Cuddling is never just cuddling
-Sometimes people are never going to change
-Agency sucks
-Happy people want happy people
-Porn ruins almost everything
-Kissing means something and it always will
-Rules should be followed
-It's definitely not Mitchell's fault
-I should not settle
-Settling sucks
-There are different kinds of love
-Platonic love is better
-Nagging someone won't make them love you
-Not being able to imagine life without him doesn't mean he won't leave
-I suck at letting people go
-Giving up is sometimes the answer
-Loving someone's family doesn't mean you fit in
-Choosing a fake relationship over schoolwork is a terrible long term decision
-Guy and girl best friends can't last
-If he can't handle the darkness-MOVE ON
-Being happy for someone else won't last
-Memories hurt
-He never lied
-Lying to yourself hurts
-Beards are great
-Letting other people dictate your relationship leads to disaster
-He wasn't perfect for me
-Knowledge doesn't equal understanding
-The day he stopped treating me like a princess was the moment it was all over
-I will never make it into his songs
-Everything reminds me of him
-Time fades the memories
-"Let's try dating" is the stupidest plan in the universe
-Once you cross a line you can't go back
-Hearts can be broken more than once

Wishes Three

If a genie offered me three wishes

I know what I would ask

One for you to be happy

To have with her what you didn't want from me

So the first would be for you

The second I would use

To wish back time to before

The moment you saw me as

Anything other than a princess

Back before that question

All the nights after I will give

I don’t want them

I don’t know if I ever wanted them

You didn’t

And the third wish I would save

For the future

That looks so dark

Maybe a wish would brighten it up

Of the wishes three

You would get the first

To me would go the last

And the middle for us

To forget what we became.

January 7, 2016

Confessions of a Theatre Kid with Depression

This isn't my usual type of post but I have been struggling with this for a very long time and I finally found the words. 

I struggle with these two core parts of my soul. I am confident, crazy, wild...sometimes I want to be spontaneous and fun. But I can't because I struggle with depression. 

I have voices in my head that tell me how much better off the world would be without me. There are also voices that sing show tunes. I like smiling. But frankly there's a part of me that loves to cry. 

I have hard days when I can't get out of bed because of all that I have to do. Then there are days where I can't get into bed because of all that I want to do. My soul feels torn in two directions. 

Each day, however, I learn how they compliment each other. My depression gives me a unique perspective on the world, one of dark empathy. That empathy helps me find characters and really listen to my friends. The memory of the bubbly confident girl gives me hope during the dark days. That hope isn't enough some days. My desire to sing and dance is overpowered by the need to huddle in a ball and weep. Red lipstick gives me confidence. Nice clothes help me pretend that I'm happy. But I'm not. I want to do things! Create memories and have experiences. But there is a chain around my ankle shackling me to my bed. 

I really feel like two different people. But the concept of bipolar disorder didn't fit at all. I then realized that depression isn't the stumbling block of the theatre kid inside of me, or the other way around. They are both me. And it sucks.

I want to cry and do stupid things to my body. But I also want to be in the center of the excitement. I want to join the groups that are partying. I long to be apart of something bigger than myself. Theatre has certainly fed that desire over the years. 

Not every day is a struggle to get out of bed, but it's always a struggle to decide which soul to feed. Do I feed the darkness? Or the thirst for light? Immediately you may have picked one that is better than the other. But the number one thing I have learned is that depression isn't bad. Darkness isn't evil. Light isn't better, or even good sometimes. You need sadness. You need joy. I can't get by with just one. I just wish they would stop fighting with each other!! 

I seem to have a harder time finding joy, so over the years I've convinced myself that I don't deserve it. That the confident theatre student is a facade. And that I am only supposed to be sad and melancholy. I don't know how to break down that belief. I want to. But it's hard to realize that you deserve something that you yourself seem to have been sabotaging. 

I want to fit in with the weird, quirky, loud, confident, exciting, wild, crazy, and fun theatre family. I also don't want to leave my bed. There is no easy solution. I can't just get up and stay happy, it's not that simple. But I guess I could try.