ABCs of my Fledgling Gym Membership

Turning 25 in a few weeks so I figured I should try adulting. What's the adultiest thing I could think of? Taking care of myself. I've learned a lot about myself in the last 26 days, namely that I have become that annoying person that talks about the gym. 

After workout showers might be harder than the workout --my hair is too long for my tired arms

Bodies can do incredible things --sorry other people's bodies can do amazing things

Cute men exist at the gym

Damn I need to get contacts so I can see them

Everyone sweats --thank goodness it isn't just me

Footprints of said sweat is a real life thing unfortunately

Going to the gym not enough --I'm supposed to eat better too!

HOPE hold on pain ends, what a lovely sentiment 

I feel nauseous all the time, what is that!? 

Judging myself and my progress takes too much energy that I am not willing to waste

Kindhearted people do not grow up to be trainers

Looking good in my workout clothes is apparently important to me --hence my 7 outfits

My greatest victory in life was choosing the 'love it' instead of the 'gotta have it' at Cold Stone

National news should be given more focus in my life than the 15 minutes on the treadmill --subtitles are hard to read while running

Only public place where it is acceptable to walk into a bathroom wearing only socks

People are not in fact noticing anything about me certainly not the things I'm insecure about

Quarter life crisis of a gym membership --okay then

Remember a water bottle, walking to the drinking fountain doesn't count as part of the workout

Sometimes brushing my hair makes me want to cry so I throw it in a top bun 

Trainers: always a love/hate relationship --they love to hate me

Under no circumstances should a human forget fresh socks --there's just something unholy about        putting sweaty socks back on your feet

Veto power --a right my trainer does not give me

Why am I paying money for this?

Xenobiotic adj: relating to or denoting a substance that is foreign to the body or to an ecological system --that would be me at the gym

You haven't known pain and anguish until you've driven home in a stick shift after chest day 

Zero to hero is a completely acceptable and fully fleshed out goal

Unlucky Sevens

16. Finish a 1,000 piece puzzle=COMPLETE (again)
17. Make another best friend=GOING GREAT
20. Go on one date a month=FAIL
22. Explore my new city=NEVER ENDING


I love puzzles and I keep buying more and just loving them to pieces (haha). Really though I have like 6 puzzles all a 1000 pieces and I have a hard time not buying more of them. Also my wonderful aunt bought me a felt thing that allows me to travel with my puzzles without messing them up!!  A whole new flipping world folks.

Kailey and I are doing great. We spend a lot of time together doing fun things. We are also planning on rooming together in October. I am stoked.

So I failed on the dating front. I wouldn't say I tried very hard. Yeah that also might be a reason why I didn't post this sooner. I just feel like a failure. I didn't realize how hard it would be to go on 12 dates in a year. Turns out it sucks to put yourself out there when you don't actually care about the person in that way. This next deadline is in a week and I haven't been on a date so I will probably fail that also. But no matter. I am having fun in other areas of my life.

I am constantly driving around Atlanta and the surrounding cities. I love my jeep, thoroughly and completely. I don't foresee myself ever stopping the exploring habit.

I tried to look for my dad's brick a couple of times and that seems impossible. So I might need more help for that project.

Well that's all folks. I had an unlucky in love month and it's whatever.

The Explanation

I watched a crappy movie the other day with that over dramatic scene with person A demanding an explanation and person B trying to give one but person A is not listening to anything. I hate those scenes. So unrealistic to me. If I want an explanation I will listen to said explanation. So I wrote a better scene. Here we go.



*~~~*
I was running after him. If only he would let me explain. His eyes were cloudy with anger as he rattled off all my sins; one hand on the car the other gesturing wildly. A frenzied darkened version of himself, one I'd never seen. A summer snowstorm would be more expected than this-this creature contorted with fury.
I swear I didn't mean to yell.
The words just came bubbling up unbidden thrown so quickly across the patch-work lawn. A volcanic eruption. I could feel the seismic wave crash back. He halted mid step hand on the door.
"What did you say?"
Nothing short of a glock to the temple would make me repeat those words.
"Please let's talk about this like civilized adults."
You know the look when a kid's trying to figure out where the magician hid the card? It was like that...mixed with a healthy dose of raging rhino.
"You couldn't think of a better way to tell me that? Announc-announcing to the whole world at 3 am in your night gown was really the best option?"
"Pleas-please-" I couldn't continue. Tears at a time like this were just too cliche. I just wanted him to hold me, and for goodness sake stop looking at me like that!!!
Strength. Stone. I was a stone warrior who wouldn't cry, couldn't cry. What a warrior I was turning out to be.
I don't remember falling to my knees or how he was suddenly right beside me. Fingers hesitantly reaching. I couldn't help him, not this time. Not only was I stuck focusing on breathing, it was his turn to try.
"Sorry--for jumping like that. I came for an explanation, at least that's what I told myself."
As quickly as they left, my senses returned. Brushing off his hand and my knees-I stood.
"I'm going to make some...tea."
The chirp of his car automatically locking sounded different tonight. It sounded like hope. 

Watch Your Six

This last week I was hanging out in Helen GA. So I almost have an excuse for being late this month.

17. Make another best friend=COMPLETE
20. Go on one date a month=ROUND 6 COMPLETE
22. Explore my new city=ON GOING

My new (as in another, not replacement) best friend is Kailey. We go on adventures and long drives. She has a large dog that is starting to like me. Basically she is my favorite and I don't remember laughing quite so much. We have made a million plans for more adventures and trips. Get ready for the road trip queens!!!

I asked a guy out but it didn't work out. I invited a guy to a group activity and that was fun. But my date this month was with myself. I feel more connected with my soul and the world. Just a couple long drives with Ruby and a few hours of studying the clouds. Basically I got a confidence boost and had fun by myself. I am more of an independent adventurer anyway so exploring Helen was just grand. I hiked to a waterfall, mined for gems, finished a puzzle and visited Babyland. That is my kind of vacation. :)

I have truly enjoyed exploring Atlanta and the surrounding cities. This entire area is beautiful. I have plans to explore a ton of cities in Georgia. I love driving and driving and just 'getting lost' then pulling out a map. Maps are really amazing. Haha just finding hidden talents.

This next month is the other side of the year. I have now been working on these goals for more than 6 months. Super weird. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything this year. But I know I have; just not any earth shattering accomplishments. I still feel lost but better about it...does that make sense?

Give Me Five

Late again...whatever

10. Visit the temple 24 times=ONE
20. Go on one date a month=ROUND 5 COMPLETE
22. Explore my new city=ON GOING

I visited the Atlanta Temple and did baptisms for the dead. (If you have questions about what that means or anything related to the LDS church let me know, I would be happy to answer any questions. Or you can visit mormon.org) The temple is so beautiful. And it is a place with incredible peace. I recommend anyone who is working towards going back to keep striving.

Okay, I ask boys out I promise I am trying with this but they are just busy when I ask. So this month's date was actually with a new friend of mine, she is really cool. We went on a friend date. She came down to Griffin and I showed her the house I grew up in and my grandma's roof. I really enjoy showing my family property to friends. We then went 'mudding' in my jeep. Actually it was just driving around the property but the roads are in disrepair so I'm glad I have 4 wheel drive. No injuries to report and lots of fun times. Then we drove around Griffin and got lunch. I love the cemetery in Griffin and since I am a bit odd that's where we ate lunch. I think cemeteries are quite peaceful. I introduced all my family there and we just talked about our lives (real bonding time).

I know some might not think that was a 'real' date, because it wasn't meant to be romantic. But the real reason behind this goal is about making connections and getting out of my comfort zone. And I did that. This next month I am going to ask men out sooner so that they won't be busy. I am excited about what this goal has already led to though. It seems clear to me that I don't do typical and I'm okay with that. Everyone should go out on a date with their best friend once in a while and be comfortable with calling it that. Our society puts a weird amount of pressure on 'dates'. We put way less pressure on hanging out and hooking up. Sorry--soapbox.

I am still commuting from Orchard Hills, for church activities. I have found a few new roads and loved seeing where they go. I visited Zebulon the other day. I have been meaning to go there because ZEBULON! so cool. Now I know where it is I can explore at a later date. I also went and explored Duluth, with some friends. It's weird to be so close to different cities. The Pacific Northwest is pretty spread out. But here I have plans to head over to Savannah just for a weekend. I don't have solid plans for that yet but I am sure I will tell you all about it.

Only recently I realized that I am almost half way done with this year and I don't think I am half way done with my goals so I need to get on that quick.

The Fourth

I'm late again this month...I hope it doesn't become a habit. But lets be honest it probably will. 

16. Finish a 1,000 piece puzzle= COMPLETE
20. Go on one date a month= ROUND 4 COMPLETE
22. Explore my new city=  ON GOING

I have been house sitting for my grandpa this past month. He lives farther south so I have been driving an hour or so to church and activities. It has been great to drive and drive. But it has been hard on my hurt knee. It's only been 4 weeks though so it'll get better. 

I bought a puzzle and had a fantastic time putting it together. 1000 pieces and it only took me two days. I wanted to try something harder so I only put the door frames together, and that only took me a day. Did I mention how good I am at puzzles?

I have a super cool story for my date this month. It wasn't a 'date-date' in so much that it wasn't planned. I was at Chick fil a after FHE one Monday night. There I was reading the menu with the only other person in line; a handsome 20 something man. We both ordered smoothie drinks or whatever and the cashier lady gave us coupons so they were free. I was headed to the table next to his, planning on awkwardly staring across two tables, when instead he invited me to sit with him. We talked for over an hour about life. It was really great to connect with an attractive stranger. We gave each other the 'outsider' perspective. He even asked for my phone number, to connect again before he went home to Utah. To my recollection I have never been asked for my phone number before by a cute guy. I tend to be the one asking. Unfortunately he left town before we reconnected. I probably won't ever see him again but it was so much fun to open up with a stranger. 

I did a little more exploring of Griffin this month. We moved when I was 8 so I don't remember how to get anywhere. Sometimes I'll come across a familiar building or road and memories will just flood in. It's really weird to figure out the driving routes to certain places. Driving on my family's farm is like rediscovering a memory. I am enjoying life at this slow down pace. 

Month Three

I don't feel like I accomplished much last month, part of the reason I am writing this post over a week late. I can't think of anything to update on.

20. Go on one date a month= ROUND THREE COMPLETE
22. Explore my new city= ON GOING

I was a few days late with my date this month but I'm okay with that. It was fun. We are both new to Atlanta so I took him to The Varsity. Its a place I remember going when I was little and living in Griffin. I really like their Frosted Orange, its like an icee or smoothie.

I can make my way to a couple of places without my GPS now, mainly church and IHOP (the important places). I guess I am still exploring but not as actively as I would wish. I haven't really done any of the touristy things on my list or truly explored yet.

Next month will be better...probably.

Oh yeah, I sprained my knee when I tripped in the dark...hunting for Easter eggs. That was fun..sorta. I'll be fine though. Even drove my jeep to IHOP today (again priorities).

Part Two

This month has been quite eventful. I went on an epic road trip: 11 states, 8 days just me and my jeep. I absolutely loved it. Moved to Atlanta Georgia. And basically questioned every choice that led me here. Am I crazy for moving 3000 miles without a job or apartment waiting for me?

1. Move= COMPLETE

3. Go through my material possessions= COMPLETE

9. Visit Grandma's grave= COMPLETE

18. Color my hair= COMPLETE

20. Go on one date a month= ROUND TWO COMPLETE

22. Explore my new city= ON GOING

I left my parent’s house in Spokane WA January 24. I visited my sister and her husband in Rexburg ID, my cousin and a million friends in Provo UT, my dad’s cousin in Edgewood NM, my grandpa’s sister in Comanche TX, another cousin in Austin TX, and another of my dad’s cousins in Baton Rouge LA. I was blessed with gorgeous weather and wonderful family and friends all along the way.

In order to move I finished going through my material possessions which was so intense and I feel guilty about how much stuff I have all the time. I’m working on my hoarding habits though so give me a break.

My road trip didn’t feel complete until I drove down to visit my grandmother’s grave in Forsyth GA. I felt her presence throughout the journey and everything in Georgia reminds me of her. It really feels right that I brought Ruby (my jeep, yay I name things) home. My grandma would have loved this road trip; she would have been so supportive of me being adventurous and independent. It meant a lot to be able to do this in her jeep.

I have purple hair now. YAY! Crazy I know but I like it. And it isn’t a super intense vibrant color either, it’s pretty subtle. In the right light you can’t even tell my hair isn’t just a darker brown. But I know how cool I am even if strangers can’t tell. I have included a before and after picture because this is important.

My second date was great. I was super awkward in asking him but that’s not the point. The point is I did it even though it was hard and mega awkward. I knew him when I was a kid living in Griffin 15 years ago. Honestly I picked him because I feel so comfortable talking to him. We spent most of the time catching up on who we are as adults which was cool. We went ‘mudding’ on my family farm (side note, I love dirty jeeps-they tell a story and prove an adventure happened) then we saw Jumanji which was a good movie. The movie theatre lobby had a duck claw machine so we proceeded to win 7. We are awesome.

In case you were wondering Atlanta is a very confusing city. There are lots of highways and freeways that connect, converge, confuse, and cause a lot of crashes. Traffic is a real thing here, and I drive a stick shift. All in all it is a struggle and I am shocked that I haven't stalled once. Ya hear that? I have been here for 3 weeks and I haven't stalled a single time!!!! (I'm sure I just jinxed myself but whatever.) I am exploring a bit but I still have lots of plans. Maybe once I make more friends I will explore more. 

I am looking for a job at one of the prop houses in the city and I took my resume to most of them. Once they are hiring I'm sure things will pick up for me. In the meantime I need to find a normal job or something. I do have savings so I'm not going to end up living in my jeep (also I am staying at my aunt and uncle's house and they are very nice). 

To sum up I accomplished a lot this month, I didn't even realize how much until I started writing this post. I still have things to figure out about this move but I think I'm in a good place. 

Round One

I have been 24 for one whole month. I feel like I have accomplished a lot. I quit my job that wasn't taking me anywhere. I went on a cruise with my family. I made solid plans to move. And I finally bought my jeep from my father. And those are just the things outside of the 24 goals I made.

2. Leave the country= COMPLETE
3. Go through my personal possessions= ON GOING
7. Get out of debt= COMPLETE
20. Go on one date a month= ROUND ONE COMPLETE

My family and I went on a cruise and we visited Mexico, Honduras and Belize. So I have now been to 7 countries outside of the USA. It was weird to only spend a few hours in each country. I don't think I like that about cruises-there just isn't enough time to really see each port. But it was cool to get a taste for each place. I really enjoyed Costa Maya where I went snorkeling and saw an eagle ray (its like a sting ray). I also got a bracelet with my name on it!!! Which is a big deal for me given that my name isn't in any gift shop ever. I also went on a zip-line in Belize which was just amazing! I really enjoyed flying above the canopy.

Much to the displeasure of my family I took over the family room with all of my junk that I am going through. I am having a lot of memories come up as I sift through all my keepsakes. I found my poetry journal from high school and I am sure it is a gold mine. I always forget how exhausting it is to throw away little pieces of myself. Each paper, each stuffed animal had a story connecting it to my life. I have to decide if I want to keep it in my life. Needless to say I am in a very reflective mood today.

I am officially debt free. I don't own any more money for college or on my credit card and I am flying high. I even bought the title for my jeep from my father. Usually getting out of debt and purchasing a car don't happen on the same day. HAHA. I never had tens of thousands of dollars of debt but my small debts felt crippling because I didn't have any savings to pay them with. I was living pay check to pay check. And now I'm not. I have money in my savings and I can move across the country without worrying I might run out of gas money. I feel so free. I didn't even realize I was trapped. But I now have a clean slate to start the rest of my life on.

I went on a date with one of my best friends from high school. We were both in town for the holidays and it was great to just connect. We saw The Greatest Showman (which is an amazing movie-seriously). Then had pizza at a great local place and watched King Arthur and the Legend of the Sword (I love that movie). I know that seems lame to just watch movies, but we dissect them afterwards so just chill. I really like spending time with him because there is zero pressure. And in a world where everything is changing it is nice to know our easy friendship never will.

One month down, 11 more to go.

24 while 24

Today is my 24th birthday and I have come up with 24 goals to complete in the next year. This is new for me but I really feel like this is going to be my year. I am not going to wait to be acted upon I am choosing to act. I am going to have an amazing year because I have decided. These goals are in no particular order and I will blog regularly about my progress. At least I am going to really try to blog regularly.

1. Move
2. Leave the country
3. Go through my material possessions
4. Go to a concert
5. Get a job
6. Get to know a celebrity
7. Get out of debt
8. Get and use a gym membership
9. Visit Grandma's grave
10. Visit the temple 24 times
11. Read the Bible
12. Read Shakespeare's complete works
13. Read Richest Man in Babylon
14. Vote/ be politically aware
15. Find Dad's Olympic brick at Centennial Park
16. Finish a 1,000 piece puzzle
17. Make another best friend
18. Color my hair
19. Kiss someone
20. Go on one date a month
21.Type 80 wpm
22. Explore my new city
23. Be known by name by my local grocer
24. Learn a new hobby/skill


I am very excited and also kind of intimidated. Wish me luck!

Running!!!

I haven't posted in forever. Over a year to be specific. Something else I haven't done in over a year is run. I used to love running. I'm not kidding I did love it. I'm also not some weird fitness guru. I'm a regular person who likes running. With a little effort all you regular people could probably love it too.

I figured I would always be the fat girl on the cross country team. That's right I ran all the work outs for 3 years and was not 110 pounds. I was way more than that. You could usually pick me out of the crowd. But I loved it. I loved the team. I loved the other runners, because in the back of the pack we were nice to each other. We needed each other to keep going. The general camaraderie was unexplainable. Here we are tearing the muscles of our body with each step just to build them back up again. And we ran with smiles. But then I went to college and ran a few times mostly to get to know the area. I gained some weight, felt worse about my life and for some strange reason didn't correlate them!!! I went years without regularly running, it sucked! Didn't realize that at the time though.

Last week I was doing my usual complaining about where my life is and a friend asked me what was stopping me from running. Shoes, shorts, sports bra, confidence, cool weather. He swatted away every excuse and told me I was the only thing stopping me. That hit me--hard.

So Saturday August 5, 2017 I put on my old running shoes, leggings, work out shirt and sports bra and stepped out the door. Mind you it was in the 90s and a freaking smoke warning in Spokane county!! But I ran. Not fast and I certainly stopped a few times. But I did a full 2.4 miles. It was amazing. I am so grateful that the river was halfway so I could cool off my arms and stretch a bit. And I finally understand why people water the street--its for runners. We don't want to be terrible humans and trespass your lawn to get to the glorious water, so thanks for letting it hit the street.

My body hurt.....a lot; headache and sore muscles galore. But I did it. And I smiled at every person I saw and some gave me thumbs up or smiles. Those helpful encouragements really made a difference.

I am happy to announce that I ran again today. Same route, 2.4 miles, same heat and smoke; however I didn't stop until I got to the river. I ran (and when I say ran I mean anything between a walk and a sprint) 1.4 miles without stopping. I am proud of myself (and it's okay to say that). I also sprinted the last few meters. My mother who was in the living room saw one look at my beet red face asked if I was okay. (I'm not giving you guys a picture but think intense sunburn, that's how my face gets with any exercise.)

I am sore right now and my lungs have a little bit of a runners cough, but I feel great. Sort of like my soul is singing. I'm two days closer to creating a habit. I encourage everyone else to take a moment and do that thing. You don't have anything stopping you but yourself!! :)

Lessons of Heartbreak

Things I learned from the 2nd man to break my heart.

-Be friends first
-Believe in myself
-Have more than one friend
-Cuddling is never just cuddling
-Sometimes people are never going to change
-Agency sucks
-Happy people want happy people
-Porn ruins almost everything
-Kissing means something and it always will
-Rules should be followed
-It's definitely not Mitchell's fault
-I should not settle
-Settling sucks
-There are different kinds of love
-Platonic love is better
-Nagging someone won't make them love you
-Not being able to imagine life without him doesn't mean he won't leave
-I suck at letting people go
-Giving up is sometimes the answer
-Loving someone's family doesn't mean you fit in
-Choosing a fake relationship over schoolwork is a terrible long term decision
-Guy and girl best friends can't last
-If he can't handle the darkness-MOVE ON
-Being happy for someone else won't last
-Memories hurt
-He never lied
-Lying to yourself hurts
-Beards are great
-Letting other people dictate your relationship leads to disaster
-He wasn't perfect for me
-Knowledge doesn't equal understanding
-The day he stopped treating me like a princess was the moment it was all over
-I will never make it into his songs
-Everything reminds me of him
-Time fades the memories
-"Let's try dating" is the stupidest plan in the universe
-Once you cross a line you can't go back
-Hearts can be broken more than once

Wishes Three

If a genie offered me three wishes

I know what I would ask

One for you to be happy

To have with her what you didn't want from me

So the first would be for you

The second I would use

To wish back time to before

The moment you saw me as

Anything other than a princess

Back before that question

All the nights after I will give

I don’t want them

I don’t know if I ever wanted them

You didn’t

And the third wish I would save

For the future

That looks so dark

Maybe a wish would brighten it up

Of the wishes three

You would get the first

To me would go the last

And the middle for us

To forget what we became.

January 7, 2016

Confessions of a Theatre Kid with Depression

This isn't my usual type of post but I have been struggling with this for a very long time and I finally found the words. 

I struggle with these two core parts of my soul. I am confident, crazy, wild...sometimes I want to be spontaneous and fun. But I can't because I struggle with depression. 

I have voices in my head that tell me how much better off the world would be without me. There are also voices that sing show tunes. I like smiling. But frankly there's a part of me that loves to cry. 

I have hard days when I can't get out of bed because of all that I have to do. Then there are days where I can't get into bed because of all that I want to do. My soul feels torn in two directions. 

Each day, however, I learn how they compliment each other. My depression gives me a unique perspective on the world, one of dark empathy. That empathy helps me find characters and really listen to my friends. The memory of the bubbly confident girl gives me hope during the dark days. That hope isn't enough some days. My desire to sing and dance is overpowered by the need to huddle in a ball and weep. Red lipstick gives me confidence. Nice clothes help me pretend that I'm happy. But I'm not. I want to do things! Create memories and have experiences. But there is a chain around my ankle shackling me to my bed. 

I really feel like two different people. But the concept of bipolar disorder didn't fit at all. I then realized that depression isn't the stumbling block of the theatre kid inside of me, or the other way around. They are both me. And it sucks.

I want to cry and do stupid things to my body. But I also want to be in the center of the excitement. I want to join the groups that are partying. I long to be apart of something bigger than myself. Theatre has certainly fed that desire over the years. 

Not every day is a struggle to get out of bed, but it's always a struggle to decide which soul to feed. Do I feed the darkness? Or the thirst for light? Immediately you may have picked one that is better than the other. But the number one thing I have learned is that depression isn't bad. Darkness isn't evil. Light isn't better, or even good sometimes. You need sadness. You need joy. I can't get by with just one. I just wish they would stop fighting with each other!! 

I seem to have a harder time finding joy, so over the years I've convinced myself that I don't deserve it. That the confident theatre student is a facade. And that I am only supposed to be sad and melancholy. I don't know how to break down that belief. I want to. But it's hard to realize that you deserve something that you yourself seem to have been sabotaging. 

I want to fit in with the weird, quirky, loud, confident, exciting, wild, crazy, and fun theatre family. I also don't want to leave my bed. There is no easy solution. I can't just get up and stay happy, it's not that simple. But I guess I could try. 

Sabrina Benaim - "Explaining My Depression to My Mother"

I love this poem. She really explained what my depression is to me. Warning there is some beautiful imagery and some frightening truths.

10 Things I Hate About You

I can't take credit for this poem, but it sums up my feelings right now. After all how do you hate your best friend? I changed it a little bit but mostly it is taken straight from the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. 

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me 

and the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you drive your car

I hate it when you stare

I hate your big, dumb cowboy boots

and the way you read my mind

I hate you so much it makes me sick

it even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh

even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around

and the fact that you don't call

but mostly I hate the way I don't hate you

not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

My recent experience of falling in love with my best friend

I just realized something about myself. I fall in love with best friends because best friends are forever, boyfriends aren't. And now I've lost another best friend. I am so much more upset about loosing a best friend than a boyfriend figure. I don't know how to handle continuing to loose best friends. It's damaging my belief in forever. I know I mix my platonic and romantic loves when I fall for best friends. But I want the platonic love. If only I can leave it at platonic love.

I've heard of formulas to falling in love if only there was a recipe to not falling. People keep telling me that one day I'll find another guy 'the guy'. But that doesn't help at all. Sure I'll get married one day, yeah whatever, that truly doesn't help me right now. I am stuck in a moment right now. And anything outside of that one moment is not registering to me. I had a friend once come to me after a heartbreak. I asked what he wanted me to do and how I could help. He said "just let me mourn. I need to mourn." The scriptures say "mourn with those that mourn." I don't want to mourn-that means more tear stains on my pillow.

Society tells me to move on-not allow real grief for a silly crush. There seems to be a problem with mourning a lost love. It's fine and acceptable to mourn the loss of a person through death. Well to me this is more the loss of a person to death than a silly love lorn damsel. He might still be my friend. He's still around but it's not the same! My best friend is gone. All that's left in the rubble are pieces of a friendship that only add up to 'just friends'. I know we can't go back but I want to. I want my best friend back. But in order to be back at best friends he believes we would be back at boyfriend territory. I'm not sure if I disagree with him. It does appear that the platonic and romantic loves are intertwined.

Falling for your best friend is hard. I don't recommend it. But if that person falls back then you found the world. If they don't is when things get complicated. I wouldn't say I regret falling for him, sometimes that's what I want to feel. I want to regret it for ruining a perfect friendship. But that's not how I feel. He really is the best. I'm just not his best which is okay. It hurts a lot but if you want to give me sympathy "you will find another guy" then don't. That's not what I need. I need to mourn the passing of a great best friendship.

I know I will repeat the cycle in the future. I'll fall for another best friend and I'll probably end up crying again but that's who I am. I fall in love with people all the time. I fall fast and hard. That's me. I wish I didn't but then again I don't know if I would change that about myself.

Until the next best friend.

I Believe

I haven't posted in a while and that seemed like a terrible idea so here is a poem that means a lot to me. I hope you take the time to think about what you believe in. Christ is a really great place to start in my opinion. 

I Believe

I believe in the pain of the cross

The agony of my sins

The print of the nails

The hailstorm of grief

The blood at every pore

But the idea that everything stopped there

Is cheating the importance of His sacrifice

I believe in the resurrection

I believe in the world beyond this one

I believe in my savior

His life, His death, and His victory over the grave

And I believe

In the heaven I can fly to because of all

He has done, on that cross, in that tomb

And beyond the veil

Aubrianna Hockett

November 2, 2010

Mystic and Bizarre

I haven't had a poem on here about myself in a while. So here is a pretty fun and odd one. :)

Mystic and Bizarre

I am mystic and bizarre

I wonder who poked the first hole in the night sky

I hear the whispers of souls

I see glowing auras all around me

I want to hold a star in my hand

I am mystic and bizarre

I pretend to make ripples with my fingertips in the inky blackness

I believe in everyday angels

I touch the shadows on the wall

I feel a message from the spirits spoken to my heart

I worry for the day when the diamonds fall from the heavens

I cry over the snuffed out dreams of comrades

I am mystic and bizarre

I understand the fire of the sea

I say “through silence, all is revealed”

I dream in shades of silver

I hope to see an angel be born again

I am mystic and bizarre

September 17, 2010

Rain Showers

I really want it to rain tonight. Haha but it probably won't.

Rain showers

I go dancing and singing in the street

When it rains

Twirling and twirling around again

When it rains

I sing my heart and soul out

When it rains

Singing of the birds and flowers

When it rains

Dreaming of love lost

When it rains

Relishing in the new beginning

When it rains

I go dancing and spinning about

When it rains

Jumping and leaping in delight

When it rains

Turning around and around

When it rains

Seeing the world as it is

When it rains

I join in the cleansing of the earth

When it rains

Purging away the rot and muck

When it rains

Adding another layer to the riddle

When it rains

Drinking up the tears from heaven

When it rains

I love the smell of the air

When it rains

Love hearing my potential

When it rains

Some may say it is dark and dreary

When it rains

But really it is light and refreshing 

When it rains

March 19, 2009