Lessons of Heartbreak

Things I learned from the 2nd man to break my heart.

-Be friends first
-Believe in myself
-Have more than one friend
-Cuddling is never just cuddling
-Sometimes people are never going to change
-Agency sucks
-Happy people want happy people
-Porn ruins almost everything
-Kissing means something and it always will
-Rules should be followed
-It's definitely not Mitchell's fault
-I should not settle
-Settling sucks
-There are different kinds of love
-Platonic love is better
-Nagging someone won't make them love you
-Not being able to imagine life without him doesn't mean he won't leave
-I suck at letting people go
-Giving up is sometimes the answer
-Loving someone's family doesn't mean you fit in
-Choosing a fake relationship over schoolwork is a terrible long term decision
-Guy and girl best friends can't last
-If he can't handle the darkness-MOVE ON
-Being happy for someone else won't last
-Memories hurt
-He never lied
-Lying to yourself hurts
-Beards are great
-Letting other people dictate your relationship leads to disaster
-He wasn't perfect for me
-Knowledge doesn't equal understanding
-The day he stopped treating me like a princess was the moment it was all over
-I will never make it into his songs
-Everything reminds me of him
-Time fades the memories
-"Let's try dating" is the stupidest plan in the universe
-Once you cross a line you can't go back
-Hearts can be broken more than once

Wishes Three

If a genie offered me three wishes

I know what I would ask

One for you to be happy

To have with her what you didn't want from me

So the first would be for you

The second I would use

To wish back time to before

The moment you saw me as

Anything other than a princess

Back before that question

All the nights after I will give

I don’t want them

I don’t know if I ever wanted them

You didn’t

And the third wish I would save

For the future

That looks so dark

Maybe a wish would brighten it up

Of the wishes three

You would get the first

To me would go the last

And the middle for us

To forget what we became.

January 7, 2016

Confessions of a Theatre Kid with Depression

This isn't my usual type of post but I have been struggling with this for a very long time and I finally found the words. 

I struggle with these two core parts of my soul. I am confident, crazy, wild...sometimes I want to be spontaneous and fun. But I can't because I struggle with depression. 

I have voices in my head that tell me how much better off the world would be without me. There are also voices that sing show tunes. I like smiling. But frankly there's a part of me that loves to cry. 

I have hard days when I can't get out of bed because of all that I have to do. Then there are days where I can't get into bed because of all that I want to do. My soul feels torn in two directions. 

Each day, however, I learn how they compliment each other. My depression gives me a unique perspective on the world, one of dark empathy. That empathy helps me find characters and really listen to my friends. The memory of the bubbly confident girl gives me hope during the dark days. That hope isn't enough some days. My desire to sing and dance is overpowered by the need to huddle in a ball and weep. Red lipstick gives me confidence. Nice clothes help me pretend that I'm happy. But I'm not. I want to do things! Create memories and have experiences. But there is a chain around my ankle shackling me to my bed. 

I really feel like two different people. But the concept of bipolar disorder didn't fit at all. I then realized that depression isn't the stumbling block of the theatre kid inside of me, or the other way around. They are both me. And it sucks.

I want to cry and do stupid things to my body. But I also want to be in the center of the excitement. I want to join the groups that are partying. I long to be apart of something bigger than myself. Theatre has certainly fed that desire over the years. 

Not every day is a struggle to get out of bed, but it's always a struggle to decide which soul to feed. Do I feed the darkness? Or the thirst for light? Immediately you may have picked one that is better than the other. But the number one thing I have learned is that depression isn't bad. Darkness isn't evil. Light isn't better, or even good sometimes. You need sadness. You need joy. I can't get by with just one. I just wish they would stop fighting with each other!! 

I seem to have a harder time finding joy, so over the years I've convinced myself that I don't deserve it. That the confident theatre student is a facade. And that I am only supposed to be sad and melancholy. I don't know how to break down that belief. I want to. But it's hard to realize that you deserve something that you yourself seem to have been sabotaging. 

I want to fit in with the weird, quirky, loud, confident, exciting, wild, crazy, and fun theatre family. I also don't want to leave my bed. There is no easy solution. I can't just get up and stay happy, it's not that simple. But I guess I could try. 

Sabrina Benaim - "Explaining My Depression to My Mother"

I love this poem. She really explained what my depression is to me. Warning there is some beautiful imagery and some frightening truths.

10 Things I Hate About You

I can't take credit for this poem, but it sums up my feelings right now. After all how do you hate your best friend? I changed it a little bit but mostly it is taken straight from the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. 

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me 

and the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you drive your car

I hate it when you stare

I hate your big, dumb cowboy boots

and the way you read my mind

I hate you so much it makes me sick

it even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh

even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around

and the fact that you don't call

but mostly I hate the way I don't hate you

not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

My recent experience of falling in love with my best friend

I just realized something about myself. I fall in love with best friends because best friends are forever, boyfriends aren't. And now I've lost another best friend. I am so much more upset about loosing a best friend than a boyfriend figure. I don't know how to handle continuing to loose best friends. It's damaging my belief in forever. I know I mix my platonic and romantic loves when I fall for best friends. But I want the platonic love. If only I can leave it at platonic love.

I've heard of formulas to falling in love if only there was a recipe to not falling. People keep telling me that one day I'll find another guy 'the guy'. But that doesn't help at all. Sure I'll get married one day, yeah whatever, that truly doesn't help me right now. I am stuck in a moment right now. And anything outside of that one moment is not registering to me. I had a friend once come to me after a heartbreak. I asked what he wanted me to do and how I could help. He said "just let me mourn. I need to mourn." The scriptures say "mourn with those that mourn." I don't want to mourn-that means more tear stains on my pillow.

Society tells me to move on-not allow real grief for a silly crush. There seems to be a problem with mourning a lost love. It's fine and acceptable to mourn the loss of a person through death. Well to me this is more the loss of a person to death than a silly love lorn damsel. He might still be my friend. He's still around but it's not the same! My best friend is gone. All that's left in the rubble are pieces of a friendship that only add up to 'just friends'. I know we can't go back but I want to. I want my best friend back. But in order to be back at best friends he believes we would be back at boyfriend territory. I'm not sure if I disagree with him. It does appear that the platonic and romantic loves are intertwined.

Falling for your best friend is hard. I don't recommend it. But if that person falls back then you found the world. If they don't is when things get complicated. I wouldn't say I regret falling for him, sometimes that's what I want to feel. I want to regret it for ruining a perfect friendship. But that's not how I feel. He really is the best. I'm just not his best which is okay. It hurts a lot but if you want to give me sympathy "you will find another guy" then don't. That's not what I need. I need to mourn the passing of a great best friendship.

I know I will repeat the cycle in the future. I'll fall for another best friend and I'll probably end up crying again but that's who I am. I fall in love with people all the time. I fall fast and hard. That's me. I wish I didn't but then again I don't know if I would change that about myself.

Until the next best friend.

I Believe

I haven't posted in a while and that seemed like a terrible idea so here is a poem that means a lot to me. I hope you take the time to think about what you believe in. Christ is a really great place to start in my opinion. 

I Believe

I believe in the pain of the cross

The agony of my sins

The print of the nails

The hailstorm of grief

The blood at every pore

But the idea that everything stopped there

Is cheating the importance of His sacrifice

I believe in the resurrection

I believe in the world beyond this one

I believe in my savior

His life, His death, and His victory over the grave

And I believe

In the heaven I can fly to because of all

He has done, on that cross, in that tomb

And beyond the veil

Aubrianna Hockett

November 2, 2010