Round One

I have been 24 for one whole month. I feel like I have accomplished a lot. I quit my job that wasn't taking me anywhere. I went on a cruise with my family. I made solid plans to move. And I finally bought my jeep from my father. And those are just the things outside of the 24 goals I made.

2. Leave the country= COMPLETE
3. Go through my personal possessions= ON GOING
7. Get out of debt= COMPLETE
20. Go on one date a month= ROUND ONE COMPLETE

My family and I went on a cruise and we visited Mexico, Honduras and Belize. So I have now been to 7 countries outside of the USA. It was weird to only spend a few hours in each country. I don't think I like that about cruises-there just isn't enough time to really see each port. But it was cool to get a taste for each place. I really enjoyed Costa Maya where I went snorkeling and saw an eagle ray (its like a sting ray). I also got a bracelet with my name on it!!! Which is a big deal for me given that my name isn't in any gift shop ever. I also went on a zip-line in Belize which was just amazing! I really enjoyed flying above the canopy.

Much to the displeasure of my family I took over the family room with all of my junk that I am going through. I am having a lot of memories come up as I sift through all my keepsakes. I found my poetry journal from high school and I am sure it is a gold mine. I always forget how exhausting it is to throw away little pieces of myself. Each paper, each stuffed animal had a story connecting it to my life. I have to decide if I want to keep it in my life. Needless to say I am in a very reflective mood today.

I am officially debt free. I don't own any more money for college or on my credit card and I am flying high. I even bought the title for my jeep from my father. Usually getting out of debt and purchasing a car don't happen on the same day. HAHA. I never had tens of thousands of dollars of debt but my small debts felt crippling because I didn't have any savings to pay them with. I was living pay check to pay check. And now I'm not. I have money in my savings and I can move across the country without worrying I might run out of gas money. I feel so free. I didn't even realize I was trapped. But I now have a clean slate to start the rest of my life on.

I went on a date with one of my best friends from high school. We were both in town for the holidays and it was great to just connect. We saw The Greatest Showman (which is an amazing movie-seriously). Then had pizza at a great local place and watched King Arthur and the Legend of the Sword (I love that movie). I know that seems lame to just watch movies, but we dissect them afterwards so just chill. I really like spending time with him because there is zero pressure. And in a world where everything is changing it is nice to know our easy friendship never will.

One month down, 11 more to go.

24 while 24

Today is my 24th birthday and I have come up with 24 goals to complete in the next year. This is new for me but I really feel like this is going to be my year. I am not going to wait to be acted upon I am choosing to act. I am going to have an amazing year because I have decided. These goals are in no particular order and I will blog regularly about my progress. At least I am going to really try to blog regularly.

1. Move
2. Leave the country
3. Go through my material possessions
4. Go to a concert
5. Get a job
6. Get to know a celebrity
7. Get out of debt
8. Get and use a gym membership
9. Visit Grandma's grave
10. Visit the temple 24 times
11. Read the Bible
12. Read Shakespeare's complete works
13. Read Richest Man in Babylon
14. Vote/ be politically aware
15. Find Dad's Olympic brick at Centennial Park
16. Finish a 1,000 piece puzzle
17. Make another best friend
18. Color my hair
19. Kiss someone
20. Go on one date a month
21.Type 80 wpm
22. Explore my new city
23. Be known by name by my local grocer
24. Learn a new hobby/skill


I am very excited and also kind of intimidated. Wish me luck!

Running!!!

I haven't posted in forever. Over a year to be specific. Something else I haven't done in over a year is run. I used to love running. I'm not kidding I did love it. I'm also not some weird fitness guru. I'm a regular person who likes running. With a little effort all you regular people could probably love it too.

I figured I would always be the fat girl on the cross country team. That's right I ran all the work outs for 3 years and was not 110 pounds. I was way more than that. You could usually pick me out of the crowd. But I loved it. I loved the team. I loved the other runners, because in the back of the pack we were nice to each other. We needed each other to keep going. The general camaraderie was unexplainable. Here we are tearing the muscles of our body with each step just to build them back up again. And we ran with smiles. But then I went to college and ran a few times mostly to get to know the area. I gained some weight, felt worse about my life and for some strange reason didn't correlate them!!! I went years without regularly running, it sucked! Didn't realize that at the time though.

Last week I was doing my usual complaining about where my life is and a friend asked me what was stopping me from running. Shoes, shorts, sports bra, confidence, cool weather. He swatted away every excuse and told me I was the only thing stopping me. That hit me--hard.

So Saturday August 5, 2017 I put on my old running shoes, leggings, work out shirt and sports bra and stepped out the door. Mind you it was in the 90s and a freaking smoke warning in Spokane county!! But I ran. Not fast and I certainly stopped a few times. But I did a full 2.4 miles. It was amazing. I am so grateful that the river was halfway so I could cool off my arms and stretch a bit. And I finally understand why people water the street--its for runners. We don't want to be terrible humans and trespass your lawn to get to the glorious water, so thanks for letting it hit the street.

My body hurt.....a lot; headache and sore muscles galore. But I did it. And I smiled at every person I saw and some gave me thumbs up or smiles. Those helpful encouragements really made a difference.

I am happy to announce that I ran again today. Same route, 2.4 miles, same heat and smoke; however I didn't stop until I got to the river. I ran (and when I say ran I mean anything between a walk and a sprint) 1.4 miles without stopping. I am proud of myself (and it's okay to say that). I also sprinted the last few meters. My mother who was in the living room saw one look at my beet red face asked if I was okay. (I'm not giving you guys a picture but think intense sunburn, that's how my face gets with any exercise.)

I am sore right now and my lungs have a little bit of a runners cough, but I feel great. Sort of like my soul is singing. I'm two days closer to creating a habit. I encourage everyone else to take a moment and do that thing. You don't have anything stopping you but yourself!! :)

Lessons of Heartbreak

Things I learned from the 2nd man to break my heart.

-Be friends first
-Believe in myself
-Have more than one friend
-Cuddling is never just cuddling
-Sometimes people are never going to change
-Agency sucks
-Happy people want happy people
-Porn ruins almost everything
-Kissing means something and it always will
-Rules should be followed
-It's definitely not Mitchell's fault
-I should not settle
-Settling sucks
-There are different kinds of love
-Platonic love is better
-Nagging someone won't make them love you
-Not being able to imagine life without him doesn't mean he won't leave
-I suck at letting people go
-Giving up is sometimes the answer
-Loving someone's family doesn't mean you fit in
-Choosing a fake relationship over schoolwork is a terrible long term decision
-Guy and girl best friends can't last
-If he can't handle the darkness-MOVE ON
-Being happy for someone else won't last
-Memories hurt
-He never lied
-Lying to yourself hurts
-Beards are great
-Letting other people dictate your relationship leads to disaster
-He wasn't perfect for me
-Knowledge doesn't equal understanding
-The day he stopped treating me like a princess was the moment it was all over
-I will never make it into his songs
-Everything reminds me of him
-Time fades the memories
-"Let's try dating" is the stupidest plan in the universe
-Once you cross a line you can't go back
-Hearts can be broken more than once

Wishes Three

If a genie offered me three wishes

I know what I would ask

One for you to be happy

To have with her what you didn't want from me

So the first would be for you

The second I would use

To wish back time to before

The moment you saw me as

Anything other than a princess

Back before that question

All the nights after I will give

I don’t want them

I don’t know if I ever wanted them

You didn’t

And the third wish I would save

For the future

That looks so dark

Maybe a wish would brighten it up

Of the wishes three

You would get the first

To me would go the last

And the middle for us

To forget what we became.

January 7, 2016

Confessions of a Theatre Kid with Depression

This isn't my usual type of post but I have been struggling with this for a very long time and I finally found the words. 

I struggle with these two core parts of my soul. I am confident, crazy, wild...sometimes I want to be spontaneous and fun. But I can't because I struggle with depression. 

I have voices in my head that tell me how much better off the world would be without me. There are also voices that sing show tunes. I like smiling. But frankly there's a part of me that loves to cry. 

I have hard days when I can't get out of bed because of all that I have to do. Then there are days where I can't get into bed because of all that I want to do. My soul feels torn in two directions. 

Each day, however, I learn how they compliment each other. My depression gives me a unique perspective on the world, one of dark empathy. That empathy helps me find characters and really listen to my friends. The memory of the bubbly confident girl gives me hope during the dark days. That hope isn't enough some days. My desire to sing and dance is overpowered by the need to huddle in a ball and weep. Red lipstick gives me confidence. Nice clothes help me pretend that I'm happy. But I'm not. I want to do things! Create memories and have experiences. But there is a chain around my ankle shackling me to my bed. 

I really feel like two different people. But the concept of bipolar disorder didn't fit at all. I then realized that depression isn't the stumbling block of the theatre kid inside of me, or the other way around. They are both me. And it sucks.

I want to cry and do stupid things to my body. But I also want to be in the center of the excitement. I want to join the groups that are partying. I long to be apart of something bigger than myself. Theatre has certainly fed that desire over the years. 

Not every day is a struggle to get out of bed, but it's always a struggle to decide which soul to feed. Do I feed the darkness? Or the thirst for light? Immediately you may have picked one that is better than the other. But the number one thing I have learned is that depression isn't bad. Darkness isn't evil. Light isn't better, or even good sometimes. You need sadness. You need joy. I can't get by with just one. I just wish they would stop fighting with each other!! 

I seem to have a harder time finding joy, so over the years I've convinced myself that I don't deserve it. That the confident theatre student is a facade. And that I am only supposed to be sad and melancholy. I don't know how to break down that belief. I want to. But it's hard to realize that you deserve something that you yourself seem to have been sabotaging. 

I want to fit in with the weird, quirky, loud, confident, exciting, wild, crazy, and fun theatre family. I also don't want to leave my bed. There is no easy solution. I can't just get up and stay happy, it's not that simple. But I guess I could try. 

Sabrina Benaim - "Explaining My Depression to My Mother"

I love this poem. She really explained what my depression is to me. Warning there is some beautiful imagery and some frightening truths.