Two Names

Two Names

My mother game me two names

One for each girl inside me

Aubri is emotional, dark, gloomy, lonely and

Her insights to the world are

Fierce, cynical, depressing, profound and personal

Her demons have thrown the world in shadows

But she continues to put one foot in front of the other

Aubri is challenged with depression

Anna is expressive, happy, compulsive, flirty and

Her insights to this life are

Powerful, naïve, hopeful, manic and crazy

Demons have thrown a kaleidoscope over her world

And yet she tries each day to see things clearly

Anna is challenged with overcompensating

These two women are not opposites

No matter how different they seem

They share the courage to try

Aubri is sad and often pitied and forgotten

Anna is ecstatic and often annoying and ignored

But both are smart beautiful women

With real struggles and hard earned wisdom

One is not greater or better

Or even complete without the other

I can’t be just Aubri or just Anna

I can’t choose confident fun over dark wisdom,

Light over shadow,

Crowded pain over private sorrow,

OCD over apathy,

Actress over poetess

I can’t choose because I am both

My mother gave me two names

And I need them both

I am Aubrianna

June 7, 2015

Happy Birthday Grandma

Last week I realized I hadn't written my grandmother a eulogy. She died a year and a half ago and you might think it's too late for a eulogy but I disagree. I wrote some remarks for her and I want to share them today. This day would have been her 74th birthday. To celebrate her life and her continued existence in heaven I want to share this.

Betsy wasn't a woman she was a force. I can't remember a time she didn't accomplish what she set out to do. Her will made her a superhero. She had opinions on everything! frankly they weren't always right but always powerful. She was a strong willed matriarch for so long. But the last six years of her life she made the courageous decision to follow. Ken lit up her life.

She was a hero for so many. A blunt mother hen, a fearless ally, a gentle weathered hand, a confident supporter and a loving friend. There are so many sights and smells that bring her beside me, double bubble bubble gum brings me comfort, bras make me laugh, the Smallville theme song triggers a million memories, fanny packs bring me to my knees, her earrings add confidence to my outfit, a jeep like hers is my dream and her spirit is my home. 

I have found so many moments where my hand is reaching for my phone to call her and then the weight crashes again. I will always miss sharing my life with her. I wanted her here for so many more milestones. But I know she will be smiling in the temple, judging the color of my dress, lecturing my husband, comforting me when my children grow up, holding me when my parents pass, standing beside me amid the darkest night and running towards me when I finally see her again. 

My grandmother was the best. I hate that she was called away but I know that she left me with enough courage and knowledge to continue on my own. She taught me that I am the master of my own story. And I plan on picking up a pen.

Grandma, I love you more than you love Tom Welling. 

Aubrianna 

  

What is enough

What is enough


sometimes going through the motions
is enough
sometimes trying and failing
is enough
sometimes eating a morsel of bread
is enough
sometimes getting fully dressed
is enough
sometimes a loving hug
is enough
sometimes the presence of another
is enough
sometimes and understanding glance
is enough
sometimes a treasured teddy bear
is enough
sometimes moving from the bed to the couch
is enough
sometimes moving from the bed to the couch
is enough
sometimes a dry eye
is enough
sometimes one positive thought
is enough
sometimes I
am enough

May 31, 2015

Today's Miracle

Today’s Miracle

I climbed Mt Everest today

Trudging toward the outside world

I swallowed cockroaches at breakfast

As each medication crawled down my throat

I left my life boat

To cross my bedroom

I struggled through a foreign language

Responding in a conversation

I braved a snowy blizzard

Once I opened the front door

I battled demons

On the sidewalk

The miracle maker followed by my side

Miraculously getting me to live today

Leaving the house isn’t a miracle in many eyes

But on my own it was impossible

May 31, 2015

Needless to say I really didn't feel up to leaving the comfort of my covers. But little by little I did. The miracle of today was taking that first step out of bed. 

Green Room Friends

This is about a friend that will probably not evolve into something more.


Green Room Friends

green room fast friends
united in the job to be done
each day getting closer
seeing each other better
seeking a friendship that
will last in the real world
his it changed though
after all real life and
theatre are on different planes
heaven help me I don't know when
everything changed but it did
I started to care for this man
started to see him as a
guy I could learn to love
all I wanted was a chance
yet I'm not really his type

April 9, 2015

Emotional Whirl

I really jump all the time and I hate it. So I've decided to just get over him and move on. Just friends is better anyway. 

Emotional Whirl

How is it that I can take a simple smile

And continue to run with it for a mile

My mind decides to jump to the end

When he has yet to call me his friend

My thoughts keep slipping away

Into the realm of someday

Dreaming of a time

When he will be mine

But alas

Not his lass

Am

I

I

Am

But a girl

In a whirl

Of her emotions

And made up notions

But you will never love me

What am I for thee to see

But a woman caught up in her dreams

That reality rips at the seams

I can take a smile a long way off so too

A frown, alack I’ll ne’er have a shot with you

March 18, 2015

Peaches and Pairs

Here is a poem I wrote about a guy that hasn't given me cause to hope but somehow I can't stop. He brings out a creative side of myself I didn't know I had, one with structure. Working with syllables, homophones and rhyme really made me enjoy the challenge of creating within the lines.

Peaches and Pairs

Oh to be named he and I a pair

I would strip all my defenses bare

Even name him the jaws of the bear

All this to be the peach to his pear

There is a grand twinkle in his eye

To be the cause of I would nearly die

I knew once he spoke of my red dye

That there was something between him and I

I love his slight scruff and floppy hair

Even those black tights he seems to wear

That really shouldn't exist anywhere

In this race for him I’m not the hare

Nor lovely Ariel with a tail

I don’t go with his Eric clothes or sail

I’m not quite sure his heart is for sale

But I want to be the girl in his tale

I am here and he is way over there

How do I even get off this stair

Choose to open my mouth instead of stare

At the way they look and how all their

Happiness makes my very heart sore

My confidence is so very poor

With one wrong word tears would simply pour

And one smile my heart would take flight and soar

Though I am not the goddess of the air

He is a perfect prince a king’s true heir

March 25, 2015