True Magic

Magic holds a special place in my heart. I see it as a part of everything. I love the magic of witches and wands but also smiles and kindness. I think God made magic. I really believe that magic is in the wind and the rain. How can it not be? I am in awe of everything this world holds. I feel God's spirit in most everything I do and I can't think of a better word to describe that spirit than magical. Not the magic of make believe but the magic of something wonderfully unexplained.  

True Magic

Magic is traditionally the art

Of something you can’t see

But feel in your heart

It’s more than illusions

And deceptions to lead

The audience to new conclusions

We can’t understand it absolutely

No matter how hard you study

Or watch astutely

The true magic of this universe

Is in the power of God

Not slight of hands you rehearse

God isn’t a magician let’s be clear

He has true power and presence

An awe that we should revere

His spirit upon this earth

Is the magic that has

Surrounded me since birth

It’s the warmth from the star

That gives us life and light

From a distance unbelievably far

The magic of a loving touch

The simple human contact

That can change everything so much

Magic is in the trees

As the wind blows

I see what the bird sees

A simple smile has it

Even from a stranger

You have to admit

Magic means everything to me

It’s how the world goes round

It is life’s ultimate key

True magic happens when I write

I feel the power

As He gives me sight

To see

The true magic

In me

July 14, 2015

Story of Mr. Wrong

So I looked back the other day and realized I have ended up crushing on all the wrong guys in the past 6 months and after consoling myself I found the humor.

Story of Mr. Wrong

Once upon a time there was a lady

With hair neapolitan and wavy

She had the worst of luck

In picking men she sorta sucked

None returned her affection

They didn’t see her perfection

All she did was crush on all the wrong men

Seriously it was probably a sin

There was the preme boy

Practically still a minor with toys

But his smile was adorable

The age difference—deplorable

I wasn’t the next guy’s type at all

Talking to him was like hitting a wall

I should have seen it earlier on

But he was way more interested in John

After that was the perfect guy

Floppy hair and a twinkle in his eye

I didn’t notice the signs

But he always said the right lines

Taken from the script in his hand

He was an actor—the best in the land

There are usually rules to forbid

Crushes at work unless you keep them off the grid

But this coworker would just flirt and smile

So there wasn’t an HR report to even file

I waited two years for the next boy

Now he’s back and plays with me like a toy

He is awkward and unsure

His thoughts still missionary and pure

He doesn’t know how to respond to a text

So I moved on to the next

I liked this one’s bossiness

It matched well with my sauciness

But he was my manager at work

And my job doesn’t have those kinds of perks

The last man is the worst crush of my life

He happens to have a wife

July 11, 2015

Time Lapse

Sometimes viewing your life as a movie is naive but then occasionally it's the only way everything makes sense. I was downhearted, sad and confused and I even wondered if I was just a supporting character. What if it wasn't my movie?

As I was wallowing as we all tend to do I realized something magnificent. I have been going through the motions for months and nothing has changed. I am in the time lapse sequence. Months go by in seconds on the screen, but in life those are real months.; Some of the hardest because everyday is the same. I'm stuck in a rut right now. And I don't know what to do.

Then I really thought about those time sequences--THEY DON'T LAST FOREVER--they end. And once they do things change. Even the smallest change makes room for more change.

I don't know where I am in the course of my movie. I have no idea what will happen, who will walk into my life and who will walk out.

But all I have to do right now is weather through this time. A new scene will come and everything will change. As I choose to stand strong I will look for the change.

July 5,2015

Two Names

Two Names

My mother game me two names

One for each girl inside me

Aubri is emotional, dark, gloomy, lonely and

Her insights to the world are

Fierce, cynical, depressing, profound and personal

Her demons have thrown the world in shadows

But she continues to put one foot in front of the other

Aubri is challenged with depression

Anna is expressive, happy, compulsive, flirty and

Her insights to this life are

Powerful, naïve, hopeful, manic and crazy

Demons have thrown a kaleidoscope over her world

And yet she tries each day to see things clearly

Anna is challenged with overcompensating

These two women are not opposites

No matter how different they seem

They share the courage to try

Aubri is sad and often pitied and forgotten

Anna is ecstatic and often annoying and ignored

But both are smart beautiful women

With real struggles and hard earned wisdom

One is not greater or better

Or even complete without the other

I can’t be just Aubri or just Anna

I can’t choose confident fun over dark wisdom,

Light over shadow,

Crowded pain over private sorrow,

OCD over apathy,

Actress over poetess

I can’t choose because I am both

My mother gave me two names

And I need them both

I am Aubrianna

June 7, 2015

Happy Birthday Grandma

Last week I realized I hadn't written my grandmother a eulogy. She died a year and a half ago and you might think it's too late for a eulogy but I disagree. I wrote some remarks for her and I want to share them today. This day would have been her 74th birthday. To celebrate her life and her continued existence in heaven I want to share this.

Betsy wasn't a woman she was a force. I can't remember a time she didn't accomplish what she set out to do. Her will made her a superhero. She had opinions on everything! frankly they weren't always right but always powerful. She was a strong willed matriarch for so long. But the last six years of her life she made the courageous decision to follow. Ken lit up her life.

She was a hero for so many. A blunt mother hen, a fearless ally, a gentle weathered hand, a confident supporter and a loving friend. There are so many sights and smells that bring her beside me, double bubble bubble gum brings me comfort, bras make me laugh, the Smallville theme song triggers a million memories, fanny packs bring me to my knees, her earrings add confidence to my outfit, a jeep like hers is my dream and her spirit is my home. 

I have found so many moments where my hand is reaching for my phone to call her and then the weight crashes again. I will always miss sharing my life with her. I wanted her here for so many more milestones. But I know she will be smiling in the temple, judging the color of my dress, lecturing my husband, comforting me when my children grow up, holding me when my parents pass, standing beside me amid the darkest night and running towards me when I finally see her again. 

My grandmother was the best. I hate that she was called away but I know that she left me with enough courage and knowledge to continue on my own. She taught me that I am the master of my own story. And I plan on picking up a pen.

Grandma, I love you more than you love Tom Welling. 

Aubrianna 

  

What is enough

What is enough


sometimes going through the motions
is enough
sometimes trying and failing
is enough
sometimes eating a morsel of bread
is enough
sometimes getting fully dressed
is enough
sometimes a loving hug
is enough
sometimes the presence of another
is enough
sometimes and understanding glance
is enough
sometimes a treasured teddy bear
is enough
sometimes moving from the bed to the couch
is enough
sometimes moving from the bed to the couch
is enough
sometimes a dry eye
is enough
sometimes one positive thought
is enough
sometimes I
am enough

May 31, 2015

Today's Miracle

Today’s Miracle

I climbed Mt Everest today

Trudging toward the outside world

I swallowed cockroaches at breakfast

As each medication crawled down my throat

I left my life boat

To cross my bedroom

I struggled through a foreign language

Responding in a conversation

I braved a snowy blizzard

Once I opened the front door

I battled demons

On the sidewalk

The miracle maker followed by my side

Miraculously getting me to live today

Leaving the house isn’t a miracle in many eyes

But on my own it was impossible

May 31, 2015

Needless to say I really didn't feel up to leaving the comfort of my covers. But little by little I did. The miracle of today was taking that first step out of bed.