Sabrina Benaim - "Explaining My Depression to My Mother"

I love this poem. She really explained what my depression is to me. Warning there is some beautiful imagery and some frightening truths.

10 Things I Hate About You

I can't take credit for this poem, but it sums up my feelings right now. After all how do you hate your best friend? I changed it a little bit but mostly it is taken straight from the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. 

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me 

and the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you drive your car

I hate it when you stare

I hate your big, dumb cowboy boots

and the way you read my mind

I hate you so much it makes me sick

it even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh

even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around

and the fact that you don't call

but mostly I hate the way I don't hate you

not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

My recent experience of falling in love with my best friend

I just realized something about myself. I fall in love with best friends because best friends are forever, boyfriends aren't. And now I've lost another best friend. I am so much more upset about loosing a best friend than a boyfriend figure. I don't know how to handle continuing to loose best friends. It's damaging my belief in forever. I know I mix my platonic and romantic loves when I fall for best friends. But I want the platonic love. If only I can leave it at platonic love.

I've heard of formulas to falling in love if only there was a recipe to not falling. People keep telling me that one day I'll find another guy 'the guy'. But that doesn't help at all. Sure I'll get married one day, yeah whatever, that truly doesn't help me right now. I am stuck in a moment right now. And anything outside of that one moment is not registering to me. I had a friend once come to me after a heartbreak. I asked what he wanted me to do and how I could help. He said "just let me mourn. I need to mourn." The scriptures say "mourn with those that mourn." I don't want to mourn-that means more tear stains on my pillow.

Society tells me to move on-not allow real grief for a silly crush. There seems to be a problem with mourning a lost love. It's fine and acceptable to mourn the loss of a person through death. Well to me this is more the loss of a person to death than a silly love lorn damsel. He might still be my friend. He's still around but it's not the same! My best friend is gone. All that's left in the rubble are pieces of a friendship that only add up to 'just friends'. I know we can't go back but I want to. I want my best friend back. But in order to be back at best friends he believes we would be back at boyfriend territory. I'm not sure if I disagree with him. It does appear that the platonic and romantic loves are intertwined.

Falling for your best friend is hard. I don't recommend it. But if that person falls back then you found the world. If they don't is when things get complicated. I wouldn't say I regret falling for him, sometimes that's what I want to feel. I want to regret it for ruining a perfect friendship. But that's not how I feel. He really is the best. I'm just not his best which is okay. It hurts a lot but if you want to give me sympathy "you will find another guy" then don't. That's not what I need. I need to mourn the passing of a great best friendship.

I know I will repeat the cycle in the future. I'll fall for another best friend and I'll probably end up crying again but that's who I am. I fall in love with people all the time. I fall fast and hard. That's me. I wish I didn't but then again I don't know if I would change that about myself.

Until the next best friend.

I Believe

I haven't posted in a while and that seemed like a terrible idea so here is a poem that means a lot to me. I hope you take the time to think about what you believe in. Christ is a really great place to start in my opinion. 

I Believe

I believe in the pain of the cross

The agony of my sins

The print of the nails

The hailstorm of grief

The blood at every pore

But the idea that everything stopped there

Is cheating the importance of His sacrifice

I believe in the resurrection

I believe in the world beyond this one

I believe in my savior

His life, His death, and His victory over the grave

And I believe

In the heaven I can fly to because of all

He has done, on that cross, in that tomb

And beyond the veil

Aubrianna Hockett

November 2, 2010

Mystic and Bizarre

I haven't had a poem on here about myself in a while. So here is a pretty fun and odd one. :)

Mystic and Bizarre

I am mystic and bizarre

I wonder who poked the first hole in the night sky

I hear the whispers of souls

I see glowing auras all around me

I want to hold a star in my hand

I am mystic and bizarre

I pretend to make ripples with my fingertips in the inky blackness

I believe in everyday angels

I touch the shadows on the wall

I feel a message from the spirits spoken to my heart

I worry for the day when the diamonds fall from the heavens

I cry over the snuffed out dreams of comrades

I am mystic and bizarre

I understand the fire of the sea

I say “through silence, all is revealed”

I dream in shades of silver

I hope to see an angel be born again

I am mystic and bizarre

September 17, 2010

Rain Showers

I really want it to rain tonight. Haha but it probably won't.

Rain showers

I go dancing and singing in the street

When it rains

Twirling and twirling around again

When it rains

I sing my heart and soul out

When it rains

Singing of the birds and flowers

When it rains

Dreaming of love lost

When it rains

Relishing in the new beginning

When it rains

I go dancing and spinning about

When it rains

Jumping and leaping in delight

When it rains

Turning around and around

When it rains

Seeing the world as it is

When it rains

I join in the cleansing of the earth

When it rains

Purging away the rot and muck

When it rains

Adding another layer to the riddle

When it rains

Drinking up the tears from heaven

When it rains

I love the smell of the air

When it rains

Love hearing my potential

When it rains

Some may say it is dark and dreary

When it rains

But really it is light and refreshing 

When it rains

March 19, 2009

Perfect Role

I wrote this so long ago. But I've been feeling a bit lost lately. Just confused as to who I am. And I recalled this poem. I don't know if this gave me complete clarity but I think it helps. I may not know what role I am playing right now but at least I know this didn't just come out of nowhere. I like being a theatre person but who am I behind all the different characters?

Perfect Role

Everyone thinks I’m at the top of the world

Not so

I’m an actor

Full of rehearsed scenes and practiced movements.

Sure I can be spontaneous, adding my own touch to an act

But I feel I can’t remove this costume

It’s weighing me down and becoming part of me.

I am becoming more and more like the character I am playing

But I play multiple characters

Who am I?

Am I a mixture of fictitious people?

Do I even have an original personality?

This stage make-up is covering my true beauty

And all these props seem so real.

I guess I have heard so many songs, read so many books,

Seen so many plays and movies

I seem to think my life should be a Broadway musical

But I keep changing the main character

The audience is getting confused.

How to end this episode of my life?

Should I conclude with a dramatic cliffhanger,

A humbling lesson for all ages,

A romantic happily ever after

Or a perfectly normal day?

What will attract more spectators?

What will make the actors keep performing?

Should I just forget everyone and tell it how it is?

Not care who’s watching or listening

And just make up my own character

Someone who is very similar to myself

Who has a knack for putting herself in other people’s shoes

A girl who might be just like you,

An amateur actor searching for the perfect role.

February 26, 2009